- I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"
- I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
- Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
- I live in my own little world. But it's ok... they know me here.
- I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
- I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Shopping tip: You can get shoes for about a buck at the bowling alley.
- If I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; then I must be perfect.
- I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
- Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
- How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?