- Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
- Income Tax: Capital punishment.
- A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.
- To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
- A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats,
and the police didn't have anything to go on.
- Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.
- Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on
hard tines?
- Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.
- Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.
- Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby
boa?
- Once I got angry at an Italian restaurant, so I gave them a pizza
my mind.
- The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type.
Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."
- California smog test: Can UCLA?
- Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel? A: Dis-gruntled.
- A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up
to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
- I know this guy who works at Sea World; but I don't think it's on
porpoise...
- For as long as I can remember, I've had amnesia....
- Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug? She had her baby in the
spring.
- What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously? A receding hareline.
- Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the
meatgrinder? He got a little behind in his work.
- 'Tis better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
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