- Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
- I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
- Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
- There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
- Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
- I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
- My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
- I am having an out of money experience.
- I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
- Not afraid of heights-afraid of widths.
- I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
- Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
- The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
- The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.