computer with virus
  • If you receive an e-mail entitled "Badtimes", delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. face

  • It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. face

  • It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. face

  • It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses sub space field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. face

  • It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. face

  • It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number. face

  • This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. face

  • It will drink all your beer. face

  • It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. face

  • Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and belly button fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears. face

  • It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. face

  • It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. face

  • It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and scurvy. face

  • It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. face

  • If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. face

  • It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. face

  • It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam. face

  • It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. face

  • It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. face

  • These are just a few signs of infection. face

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